You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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