My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
