You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
