I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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