Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you inspire me to be a worse person
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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