apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
