I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
