My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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