stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did I show you my penis last night?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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