should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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