My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
