Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
