I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
