we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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