i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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