we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
