the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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