U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
