she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
