I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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