My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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