the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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