Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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