we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
