I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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