Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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