I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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