I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
