i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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