I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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