Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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