Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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