i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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