escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
