rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
