i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's the barista slut.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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