birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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