Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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