Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
