seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
