Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
