My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
