i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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