she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
