just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
