I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
