Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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