I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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