I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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