I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
50% drunk capacity currently
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
