So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I stole a fireplace last night.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
