I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
