So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
