we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
