There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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