Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
