she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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