So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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