i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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