i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize