he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize