You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
