Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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