On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm both gender and math confused
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
