Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize