Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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