I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
