just tell him i said nine months
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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