It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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