Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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